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Saturday, September 11, 2010

stories too dumb for fiction

Mark Twain tells us fiction is more believable than fact because fiction must make sense.
Here are some headlines and news pieces too dumb for editors to accept in a story:

* A robber promises to tell a woman where he is pawning her jewelry and apologizes for the inconvenience.

* 911 was called when a man got his penis stuck in a hot tub jet and couldn't free himself.

* Would be burglar breaks into a restaurant and gets trapped in the header over the stove. Employee calls the police.

* Woman goes to police station to complain about her dealer who sold her bad crack.
The officers at the desk were stunned for a minute before arresting her.

* These two women must be related, stopped at a red light, woman lights a joint while waiting for the light to change. She is promptly pulled over by the nice officer who watched her from the next lane.

* Everything you never wanted to know about sex and still don't.

Woman sent to ER when a coke (soda) bottle was stuck in her vagina. The nurse drilled a hole in the bottom to release the suction.

Man sent to ER with a live hamster stuck in the rectum..... This one still has me reeling.

Woman tries to stop a would be rapist by telling him she has AIDS. She wasn't lying and he contracted the illness and attempted to sue her. The judge ordered him from the courtroom.
...forgive the vindictiveness, but justice delivered itself this time.

This one I'd take a crack at. The woman is my hero.

*Robbers in SC point a gun at the convenience store clerk. One of the robbers starts to beat on the office door where the manager is locked inside. Knowing the three men were in the front of the store she shot through a glass window, knowing the bullet would sail through the back of the store. The shot scared the robbers, and they fled.
When police interviewed her, they asked how she thought to do that.
"Reckon i was inspired by God. I always keep my gun strapped to my bible."

Laughing out loud, I gave a rebel yell and clapped at the TV. "Hell yes! This is a true southern woman!"
Let the villains beware, no one messes with a southern granny!

Recently, a little boy chased after a man who kidnapped his sister. he got close enough to scratch the kidnapper, but he got away with the sister. When police arrived, the child ran to the officer and held out his hand. "I got DNA for you." He told police.
They scraped his nails and the villain was caught.

Don't mess with big brother either, even if he is eight.

I wanted to share this list after I based a character conversation on one I actually had. The editor made a note saying "I don't think anyone would be this stupid."
Sadly, yes they can.
I am still working on the story.

Hope you enjoyed the silly break.
Take time to laugh; it's the only thing keeping you from crying.

be well,


catslady said...

ROFLMAO - There is a show on TV that shows stupid criminals and every once in a while I just have to watch it and shake my head and laugh. Truth really is stranger than fiction lol.

Jen Childers said...

I love that show!
One of my patients used to watch it-the lady from SC was on it.
I love stupid crook stories. you listen and you think..
Why would they think this would work?
It's probably a good thing no one follows me around all day noting the dumb stuff I do.

take care,